Auburn's Creative Palpitations

-Wakey wakey Stuart! It’s time for my morning walk!

Stuart jumped out of his dream… who was that talking? In such a cartoon-like voice?

His eyes were still glued together, for he was a broker and had been working till 3 AM, and he looked out of the window…. to his surprise, the sky was orange!

And who was that talking? He was almost scared, but very amused by the pitch of that voice… Popo his French Bulldog was wagging his tail impatiently with his lead held in his mouth…

No…. not Popo talking….

-Popo…. did you just say something? No… I’m going mad… Mum always told me to leave this brokering job and go back to gardening… I need a shrink… where are my cigarettes?

Poco jumped on the table and grabbed the pack of 20s, then put it on his master’s lap… he nodded….

-Popo!!! Thanks for the cigarettes, but you’re not playing games with me! Where’s my lighter?

-It’s underneath your bottom!

-Oh okay, thanks….

Popo was staring at him.

Stuart lit the cigarette, then said

-Wait a minute, Popo! You’re talking! I need a shrink!

The puppy burst into a comic like laughter and laid on his back as he giggled…

Something strange is going on, the broker thought to himself…. the sky is orange, my dog is talking to me, I’ll call Stella…… After my cigarette!

But he couldn’t wait. Popo brought him his phone.

-Stella?

-Honey! What’s going on is incredible! Get dressed, go out on the street! It’s all a dream! I’m landing in Gatwick Airport at 1PM…. Come pick me up! And ditch your computer…. you’ll understand why I’m asking this later on…. I love you! Gotta go, cabbie waiting at the Hotel reception!

Stuart extinguished his cigarette and gave Popo a killer look. Popo put his tail between his back legs, then turned the TV on.

The news presenter was crying with joy

” What humankind is experiencing today is unprecedented! The lame have been cured, workforce abolished, wars put to an end , and the World is celebrating…. we owe this all to a little boy in Zagreb who….

-I can’t believe it! Popo, let’s go out! Not shaving today!

Stuart didn’t realise he was going out in his pijamas and slippers, but he was far too impatient to see what kind of party was going on around the world….

-Don’t forget your keys, said Popo!

As the broker walked out of the building he saw dozens of laptops smashed and piled in a skip container…. there was music, people dancing in their pijamas, kiosks with cocktails being served for free, kids singing,

-The Devil has been slaughtered!!! The world is in Order!

What was the most funny was the elderly dancing like teens.

Policemen were giving out cakes to the public with their shirts wide unbuttoned.

Stuart spotted his next door neighbour walking her dog and asked,

-What on earth is going on?

– Didn’t you hear the news? A young boy from a Hospital in Zagreb has slaughtered the devil, now all the demons are going to do our dirty work for us… we’re free! If you don’t believe me log o to your bank app, and check your account…. hey, that huge spot beneath your nose has disappeared!

-Thanks Mandy, I need to call my mum…..

Popo was pulling the lead with a new kind of force.

It was sunny and snowing, yet warm, there about five rainbows in the sky, witches flying on brooms and throwing peanuts to the crowds, and as he was going to tell Popo to stop pulling his lead he noticed beautiful fairies around the winter flowers….

-You’re not gonna tempt me, fairies! My missus is Stella…..

-We don’t do humans, young lad, ditch your computer and give this tiny bottle of perfume to lucky Stella! Said one of the Fairies, then disappeared…

Popo pulled the lead so fiercely Stuart lost his slipper but managed to grab the tiny bottle offered by that ginger fairy and went back home.

To his surprise, he found five Christmas boxes by his door, so heavy he couldn’t take them inside, and decided to take not a shower, but a bath….

-Tell me Popo, he said, as he opened the bath tub tap, what made you chew up the picture of Jenny my ex girlfriend and then rip Stella’s skirt up on the same day???? I’m just curious… its thanks to all that I met Stella, the most amazing woman in my life….

-Don’t you expect me to give you some chit chat all day long broker, just because I can talk now! I need a girlfriend, too!

The End.

It’s raining golden glitter
I’ve had precious gems for breakfast
My cat is laughing at the cartoons
The lillies are kissing each other
The bus driver is letting everyone in for free
My porcelain clowns are cooking lasagna for me
I’m waiting for a call.

I wish time would just stop and freeze right now
For I don’t know if I’m dead or alive
I just received a bank statement… I am rich.
The phone’s ringing.
I don’t want to pick it up. This moment’s too beautiful.
Hey, it’s him!

-How are you?
– I just bought you your birthday present.  Can I bring it?
– Sure, hurry up, we’re having lasagna for lunch!
-I thought you were on a diet?
– Not any longer, I woke up a size 10.
– Where shall I squeeze my fingers in now?
– I got you a stress ball…
– Hahaha…. I hope she looks like you.

The doorbell rings.
– Happy birthday!!! How old are you?
– Young enough to dream wild.
– Great. Here’s a vintage game of chess so you can play with Josh instead of arguing.
– But we never argue!
– You never argue?
– Never!
– Come teach some manners to my wife then… Where’s my tip?
– Do you mind foreign currency?
– Not at all! We’re going to Thailand after tomorrow.
– Take these snorkels then!
– Oh, thanks!
– Don’t forget your gloves!!!
– What gloves? We’re in August…
– I meant your boxing gloves. Thai boxing!!
– Hahaha… We’re only going bird watching… but wait… how old are you?
– Thirty six if my phone says the right date.
– Great age to get married!
– What, again? To the same guy?
– Why not? Anyways, Happy birthday again, and please reset your phone time… you’re only thirty three by the way!!!

The End.

1. A woman takes her brand new AI to the shop in order to make a complaint.
   – How can I help you Miss?
   – This gadget you sold to me, it’s faulty, it’s cursed, I need you to fix it.
   – Sure! What’s the problem?
   The clerk takes a look at it…
   – It swears at me, calls me “lousy cunt” “vegetarian cheat” and it keeps saying my privates smell of mushrooms!
   – You need to go to the gynaecologist then…

2. A hairdresser goes to the psychologist.
– You see, when I give a haircut to a lady, she ends up saying she looks like a man.
When I give a haircut to a man, he says I’ve groomed his like a woman. I’m desperate.
– Maybe you should try to become a pets’ hairdresser? Says the expert.
– I’ve tried that already, and when I finish cutting the dog’s hair, the owner always tells me the dog resembles his Mother in Law!!!

3. How did jealous Ronnie murder his anorexic girlfriend?
– He strangled her with a pair of tweezers.

4. Why did the AI write on his will that he specifically wanted to be cremated upon his death?
– He was too worried about being digged out by archaeologists in 5000 years’ time, and then being exhibited at the British Museum like a dinosaur.

5. What do a call girl and a play station have in common?
– They both enjoy numerous owners throughout their lives.

6. A man goes to the Doctor.
– I would like you to prescribe me pills to substitute my sleep.
– I’m afraid science hasn’t come up with these yet, Sir…. but can I ask you why you do not want to sleep?
– I do enjoy very much sleeping, but my boss wants me to work 16 hours, my girlfriend wants 4 hours sex every night,  and my old mum always calls me up with the emergency that she needs me to help her find her TV remote control… or else she’ll miss her soap!

That’s all for tonight folks!

Please share the post if you enjoyed….

Auburn.