-Did you hear about the 300 executives who were locked away in a matchbox?
They all died of Loneliness….
Its not funny. Seriously. Media sell us the big pseudo-dream of becoming blue chip big bosses, yet they don’t mention the successful man’s emotional downfall once he reaches the top.
Rethink your goals… as a semi- countryside, semi hyper- Metropolitan lady, I believe that life taken simple blossoms with a tenfold number of surprises the designer bag blue-chip girl… has sadly ever had the chance to breathe.
Love your ponies!!!!
Enjoy your weekend, try to have a stroll around the closest bushes, listen to an elderly person’s funny stories… and never, ever, ever step on a Daisy!!!
1. A young lad is dining with his in laws, and eagerly waiting for desserts to be served. At last he finds a relaxed couple of minutes to make a business proposition. – I have designed and patented the best garnment anybody could wish for. – Excellent! cries the host, tell us all about it, and how this project will be financed, please! – Well, you see, these are very specially crafted pair of socks, all made with the latest fabrics, that give you the non stop giggles once you put them on. – Wow! I really want to be the first to own a pair… I really need a good laugh to start the day… but I am slightly curious… What happens when you take them off? Do you start crying? – None of that! Once you take them off you are dreadfully exhausted, yes, dead exhausted, and you don’t even have any energy left to answer the questions the ambulance crew are asking!!!
2 . A funky looking man goes to the doctor. – You see doctor, I have a very annoying problem and I really hope you can get rid of it…. After I bang my head with a hammer, and also after setting fire to my bottom, I feel an unbearable kind of pain… its awful! – Oh, how strange, young lad!!! I do the same sort of things, but I don’t feel any pain at all!
3. A very classy woman walks into the poshest department store, intriguingly looking at the cosmetics. – Hello, can I help you, Madame? says the clerk. – Sure you can!! I would like to know if you do these kind of incredible creams that make you look twenty years younger… I don’t mind the price… – We certainly do! Here’s the latest on the market, it’s two thousand three hundred pounds. Would you like it? – Please! Fabulous! I would also need one of those cherry red rouges that make every man in the world want to kiss you all night long… – Yes! This one!!! – Amazing. And last, I would like one of those shower gels that make you feel like a toddler ever three days after you’ve used it…. yes… that’s the one. – Would you like some samples too? No thanks, I’ve got to go. – That’s five thousand eight hundred and thirty two pounds, please… – Are you drunk, insane, or I you dying to get fired young lady? I’m not spending that amount of cash on Diddy my dog!!!
4. A businessman is late to catch his flight. As he gets to the departure gate soaked in sweat, the Stewardess says he’s one minute too late to board. Since there’s a billion pound deal at stake going on in the meeting he is to attend at Edinburgh, he grabs a bottle of water, drinks it all in one go and sets off to follow the plane by foot, carrying his briefcase. The businessman has run so fast he gets to Edinburgh at the same time the plane does. Once he’s there, he grabs the pilot by the neck and says, – Couldn’t you have waited for me one minute more? – Hey, cool it, says the pilot, you have just lost three stones while chasing us and swearing at us all the way long! You should be thankful! I wish I could lose three stones in two hours, like you! – Well you are going to lose six stones now, because I am sending you back to collect my luggage, or you’ll have to pay me compensation!!! And you’ll be thankful.
5. A young man goes to the Doctor complaining about several ailments. So the physician prescribes seven boxes of medicines, and requests him to see him again in 3 weeks. After three weeks, the patient comes back, red faced and sweaty with anger. – You have killed my cat, you bloody murderer! says the man to the surprised doctor. – I beg your pardon? – Yes, you have murdered my cat! – Listen young man, I have 12 people with severe diseases in my waiting room and I have no time to listen to your nonsense. Just tell me if the medication I prescribed got rid of all those the aches and pains. – How am I supposed to know? I didn’t take them, you bloody cat murderer! – Oh! And why didn’t you take them, may I ask? – Because the cat ate them all!
6. A young lady goes to the Vet. – How can I help you? – You see, since 2 years I am suffering from a very bad dog treats addiction. I was wondering if you can help me? – Well, errr, Madame, I am sorry to let you know I only treat animals, and you should go see an expert other than a Vet. – Ok, great, thanks! Where are my free puppy biscuits? – I beg your pardon? – Yes, there’s a sign out there that reads “FREE PUPPY BISCUITS TO ALL PETS THAT BEHAVE IN THE WAITING ROOM “!!!
Winnie’s feet were not just the envy of all females who saw them, or the proof she was the ultimate alpha female that used her sexy paws like male’s fetishes to submit them, but the reflexologists delight who gave her a weekly free session while all her trauma escaped though him.
Because, indeed, she collected about fifteen shocks per working week. Her job as a criminal solicitor was both too much and too little: every night she promised herself she’d change job even if she had to scrub the restroom, yet every morning she got up earlier and earlier, younger and younger, more excited and stronger, to face the challenging day ahead.
The manicurist practised her hardly obtained nail art diploma on her toes and paid her 100 pounds for a picture of the result. Winnie didn’t need that money, so she just stashed it all inside an old vase her mother in law had brought to her from Thailand.
The vase was so ugly nobody even bothered to dust it. She didn’t know how much she’d need that money one day.
Soon came the day she became a partner of the solicitors firm, and her work, family and spiritual responsibilities made her forget she was just a mortal. A high achieving alpha female mortal who seemed hard like stone, but so fragile inside she could just melt that vase by letting all of her repressed tears fill it.
And this was all Tom’s fault. He had started to get jealous of her work success and to abuse her, to go out at night and stuff his nostrils with gear, only to comeback in the early morning stinking of one pound shop perfume.
Covid was almost over thank goodness and her two young twins had started school. Ever so demanding as they were, there was no more time left for girly treats, for she had become the sole breadwinner.
– Why is dad angry when I drop a lego? Why does dad call you Miss Super-Duper?
The pain of watching her little twins grow in a crazy household made her start loosing her teeth, one by one.
Yes, cocaine addicts, she knew them all well. She would get to the bottom of their hearts just to find the key to let them get away with the most horrendous crimes.
Now was wishing she had got them all isolated for life and beyond.
One day she went to a visit to the dentist, and there was a foreigner in the waiting room. He asked her why she was wearing boots during the summer, in sign language. He had no teeth, yet a smile that could whisk you into a dreamland of happiness for a precious minute.
She said she had no time to cut her toenails, that whenever she wanted to, either he phone rung, her twins both started yelling, or her husband asked for an urgent dish of carbonara because otherwise he’d get an ulcer.
Kooly, which was the foreigners name, didn’t understand a word nor a sign, but Winnie had never felt such strong empathy from anyone in her life. She broke into tears. He wiped her tears before she went in to fix a painful tooth, and offered to take her home on his bike.
He sung some sort of foreign song all the way and was dodging police cars all the time, which made the handles and the wheels tickle her.
That’s how a new love story begun, during the perfect moment. His resourcefulness surprised her everyday, they made up a language that no one could understand. He worked as a Gardener and was paid in fifty pe coins everyday, funnily enough, so he always was eager to get rid of them, just by pampering her.
Seven months down the line…. winnie still hadn’t had time to cut her toenails, for she was so inlove and busy and scared of her twins father at the same time, that toenails seemed the least annoying thing, yet they hurt more than her now recovering teeth.
The dentist offered implants and told her she’d lose her career with that kind of smile, but she didn’t care….. she actually wished her career smashed.
One day Kooly and her went into an Internet cafe and he spoke with his family on Skype. They were so happy to meet her, showed her the chicken, the rabbits, the cows, the kids drawings and artwork, the swimming pool, the beach….
Winnie absolutely had to go there.
– Kooly, I’d like to leave London and go there for a week. I wish we could lie down at sunset and you could cut my toenails.
All travel booked, five pairs of nails clippers packed in her writsbag, divorce settlement solved and the savings from the Thai vase just in case, off they went to a destination she didn’t know.
She was so excited and so were the girls, she was leaving ten pounds tips to every member off staff from the journey.
But once they got there, they were stopped at customs. Yes, the five pairs of suspicious nail clippers! They had a judge to question them. Kooly sorted it all out with the vase cash.
So! At last they were at the beach, twins playing with Koolys relatives and enjoying the merryness of sign language, when Winnie got a call from her ex mother in law. Tom had agreed to sign himself in to a detox clinic. She also asked for the vase, in a very funny and evasive manner. She ended up admitting that she desperately wanted it back.
How strange….!
-I can’t return it to you, but I’ll post you a new one from the destination I’m at.
Another 3 days with painful toes.
Winnie got her a souvenir from the local market and wrote a letter to Tom too.
When would the perfect moment to cut her toenails come?
Fed up, she told the twins to climb some palm trees with the bigger girls supervision, and lay down on a hammock.
– Otto kaka manicure!!! She told Kooly.
He was ready to cut her toenails when a gush of tropical wind stole her hat, and said,
– No capicci manicure! Turning the nail clippers around and observing them closely from every angle as if they were a dangerous insect.
A teenage boy appeared and shouted something she understood: hir mother had been rushed into hospital.
The boy was his son! He had been hiding that he had a family! As he threw the nailclippers into the ocean and disappeared like a gold winning athlete, Winnies mobile rung.
It was Tom. He had been refusing to eat, drink and bathe unless he was granted a call to her.
He told her the Vase was worth the price of a house, and that they could retire there, just there, where she was with her twins, because he owed his twins life to Kooly, and he wanted to make up with her and give the chance to Kooly and his family to open a little business.
– How did you know Kooly had a family? And why didn’t you tell me this before?
– I hired a detective. I’m clean in 22 days and will be there with you. Just don’t hate Kooly, and please don’t you dare to cut your toenails, I want to be the only man on Earth who cuts them for you!!!
1. A young man is at a pub. – Hey guys! I finally found my ideal soul mate! I am overjoyed! – That’s cool, says his friend. But what brings you to believe she’s your lifetime soul mate? – She’s the only bird I brought home in the past two years whom hasn’t been mauled by my pitbull!!!
2. A lady goes to see a very posh physician.
– I am desperate, I hace been constipated for 3 weeks, I have taken every relief tablet under the sun but nothing works!
-You say you have been constipated for three weeks already? Sorry Miss, I can’t help you, you’ll need to call up a senior Plumber!
3. Three female friends are at a health spa retreat. It’s their first day, and breakfast time. The waitress asks what they would like to order.
– I’ll have sausages and a coke please!
– I’ll have a croissant and a latte!
– I’d rather take a blueberry muffin and orange juice, please!
– I’m sorry ladies, what you have ordered is extremely unhealthy, we don’t do those breakfasts here.
– Then what do you suggest?
– Goat’s milk and Tofu!
– Oh well, then please hurry to serve us those, we’re starving.
After 3 minutes the waitress comes back.
– I am afraid we can’t give you any goat’s milk today, because our goat is sick.
At this stage the Three friends are furious.
– So the goat is sick? What on earth is wrong with the goat?
– He went to a party last night and got too high on cocaine!
4. A mother of 4 takes her kids to the zoo. It’s their first time, and it will become unforgettable. After they’ve toured the zoo three times the mother says, we’ve got to go, this is a rip-off! – No, please, mamma, let’s stay one more hour! The woman doesn’t give in and takes her kids angrily. At the exit, she starts complaining to the zookeeper. -This zoo delivers exactly what we advertise, Madame, or you can use the suggestion box on your left. Or is it you suggesting that our wild animals from all over the globe are actually stuffed toys? – Nope, that’s not the problem. -Then why are you so furious? – Well, I am furious, and I am even more than furious, for having paid eighty quid todsy, not to see a single live Dinosaur in here!
5. We’re at the highest students IQs primary school in the Borough, and little Stella only agrees to attend class if her Teddy Pinko can sit by her side. So the talented teacher offers Pinko some homework and some books. – How did it go at school today, Stella?, asks her dad one evening. – Terrible! Says the child, you got to buy me a new Teddy with a smaller brain than Pinko’s, cos Pinko copied all my exam answers and scored 3 points higher than I did!
The End.
Thanks for reading! Please read again and go snatch a smile from the folks about!
It’s the first, very welcomed heatwave in London, and I have been waiting for the bus for 4 minutes already.
I wish someone would come up and chit chat to me.
Just as I’m wishing, I feel something is grabbing my jeans.
” Maybe a rotten yob looking for trouble?”
I look down. Nope, it’s not a yob.
It’s a squirrel staring at me.
” Excuse me, Miss, I need to ask you…. could you please give me tenner for my bus fare? I need to buy tulips for my grandmother, its her 80th birthday today, and I’m broke….”
The squirrel is talking to me! And asking me for a tenner to buy some tulips! Either my drink at the pub has been spiked, or I’m dreaming….
I pinch myself til I nearly bleed then look back to the squirrel. The squirrel appears to be impatient and hasn’t let go of my trousers.
Nobody at the bus stop seems too phased, they haven’t even noticed this unprecedented event.
I get back to the squirrel. It’s payday today and I got my bonus, my purse is loaded and a squirrel’s talking to me.
I reach to my purse. I only have 50s notes. The squirrel rolls it eyes,
” Here, squirrel, take this 50 and save the change for a rainy day . I do hope I see you again and we can have a coffee together”
” Thank you, Miss, you are one of a kind! I do hope you have a beautiful summer packed with nuts and cashews!
” your money is as delicious as berries and I will never forget you! Nor will grandma! I do have sincere goodwill wishes for you and may your guardian angel keep you on his kind side!”
The squirrel grabs the money fiercely before I let go of it and hops onto the bus.
It waves at me from behind the window. There’s a bit of traffic and the squirrel is still waving at me. Suddenly, and to my surprise, the cheeky little squirrel starts chewing the 5pound note.
I am amused and shocked at the same time. The bus dissappears before I can run after it.
Then a homeless looking man is approaching m and says,
A 94 year old Lady had just hopped onto the number 2 bus at Vauxhall. The bus is packed and it’s very hot.
She stares funnily at a young yob who is singing to his headphones.
Excuse me, young angel, aren’t you going to offer your seat to this reputable old Lady?
The young lad smiles and answers,
– You are not a day over 25! I am having a hard time and keeping my seat, Ma’am!
– But I’m five months pregnant….
– Oh! So you are pregnant!… The baby is not mine, is it?
– Not exactly.
– What do you mean, ” not exactly”?
– Well, I must make an announcement…. the baby is your brother Stan’s.
The young lad takes his headphones off.
– Now that’s kinda cool! So I got a brother who’s name is Stan! Does he smoke weed? Is he loaded?
The Lady starts to get curious, yet very tired and drops her bag onto the lad’s lap.
– Yes, he’s the chairman of a medicinal cannabis new giant firm based in Cali, but I won’t give you his contact details unless you give me your seat.
– Just one minute, says the intrigued yob, I just want to finish listening to this song, it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend….
He puts his headphones back on and starts singing.
A young woman sitting on the next row offers the 94 year old her seat, but the Lady declines,
– This is my favourite seat, I am not going to let the lousy teenager deprive me of my favourite seat: I am a reputable, award-winning nurse!
The whole bus laughs.
The Old Lady hasn’t realised the yob has already stolen her mobile phone from her bag. His music player has run out of batteries.
-My Lady, he goes on, can you give me my brother’s contact number? I’m skint for the rest of the week and I owe 40 quid to the drug dealer. I promise you I’ll give you my seat.
– OK, I’ll make a deal with you if you only trash those ridiculous shades, I’ll give you your brother’s number and you give ME your seat at once!!!!
– But my friend, I can’t trash these sunglasses, I stole them from my philosophy teacher whose classes were so boring…. I had to turn to smoking weed! Will you give me 60 pounds?
– I only have a 50. Here you are. But give me your seat, and your shades!
-But where’s my brother’s number?
– If you give my my favourite seat I’ll hand it to you.
By this time the yob has already stolen another silver pen from the Lady’s bag.
He moans and gets up, politely pointing at the seat for her.
The Old Lady has won a tug of war, she’s had her cake for the rest of the week.
– Ohhh, my Angel, these oh so comfy bus seats make my baby kick inside my belly like a martial arts champion! Here’s your brother’s phone number. I do hope such a caring young man like you does not miss our wedding.
– Thanks so much, Ma’am! Will there be lots of weed at your wedding?
– I’m afraid not, but the famous philosopher Mark Homton-Jones will be giving a two hour speech about ladies giving birth on a bus and traumatising young watchers…. now stuff some sanitising gel over your hands because I’m starting to get contractions- and be ready to find a suitable and reputable name for your nephew!!!!
It was one of these chilly, mysterious Februaries. Katherine had taken the day off from her copywriting job to look after Stuart, her husband, who had woken up with a bleeding nose.
– Is there anything I can get you from the mall, darling?
– Oh, yes, yes, indeed! I want a full size ripe Melon, not too soft and dark green, heavy, heavy, very heavy, please don’t hurt your back while carrying it back home….
A picture of the ghost of Stuart’s younger sister Lilly was just there by his night table.
Kath couldn’t stand it, for Stuart always said what he liked the most about her was her resemblance with Lilly. But secretly enough, what Katherine liked most about Stuart was that he reminded him of her first boss, who she had a crush on at age 16. She kept this for herself though.
Lilly had been lurred into a Cult twenty years ago, not leaving a trace behind her. Every single detective in London had been hired to find her somewhere with no success whatsoever, and Stuart always had teary eyes when she was mentioned.
So off went Katherine to get the Melon, after asking,
– You are not suffering an imaginary male pregnancy, are you?
– If I am pregnant, it is with Melon seeds!
Katherine laughed her way to get the trolley, a little uncomfortable about leaving Stuart alone with a nosebleed, but well determined to get him a Melon. The best Melon!
She knew it wouldn’t be easy in the middle of February.
Once she got to the supermarket, she asked the clerk for the Melon section. He laughed at her.
– We are fighting climate change, but we can’t reverse the natural yearly seasons! Please come back in June for as many melons you can fit into your trolly. And by the way, Madame, you have blood on your sleeve….
A young worker at the queue, who had heard the conversation, approached Kath and said
– I know a place where you can get a Melon. It’s an all season fruit dealer which will charge you a small fortune, buy you’ll get a nice little Melon from the other side of the globe. It’s the first street to the right from King’s Road.
– Oh, thank you so! That’s really kind if you. I’ll go there straightaway. It’s for my husband who has a nosebleed and for some occult biological reason he’s craving a lovely Melon right now. Have a great day!
Our lady didn’t live far from the Kings Road, just 5 bus stops away.
Luckily she had lots if cash in her purse, for the fruit dealer, who was adorable, charged her 27 pounds. But the Melon…. oh, the Melon! It was so heavy! She thought she’d have a Melon feast with Stuart, away from the picture of Lilly.
Once on the bus a group of tourists boarded it, and it was stuffy, uncomfortable, and the female driver was driving like a psycho. The tourists seemed to enjoy the bumpy ride, but not Katherine.
We were only two stops away from hers when she realised her trolly was missing…. somebody had taken it!
Hard economic Times this was, lucky she was well off, by why did she have to through this mighty inconvenience? Her poor husband and his nosebleed, and the expensive heavy Melon from the South!
She went straight to the driver and told her her trolly had gone missing, that she suspected from 2 young unwashed teenagers, that she ought to drive to the police to report this.
But what was her surprise once the driver looked at her with amusement, when she realised the driver was the spitting image of Lilly, her husband’s missing sister!!!!
– Wait a minute…. is your name Lilly, by any chance?
Lilly pulled the brakes full stop. She was confused.
– Who are you?
– I’m your sister in law, your family has been searching for you for decades! Stuart keeps saying I remind him of you, but I actually drive more carefully than this!
The tourists got of the bus and the bus was left empty and weird.
-So you know my story, don’t you?
– I do, said Katherine. Park the bus, dump it there, and come home with me. But first we need to buy a Melon for Stuart.
Stuart had been calling but Kath’s phone was left on silence by mistake.
Lilly left a note on the bus front stating “personal emergency ” and couldn’t take her eyes off the bus- she almost walked into a lampost, and off they went to the fruit dealer. He was shutting his shop but agreed for the last melons to be taken.
Katherine carried one, and Lilly, the other.
Katherine was pleasantly surprised about how sweet Lilly appeared to be, telling her her story about how she escaped from the Indian Yogi cult and how she was on the witness protection scheme now.
They got used to carrying the melons, Katherine would have liked to spend a week talking to this sweet girl, even if she were to lose her job, and soon they were at home.
– You go first, said Kath.
– OKAY!
Lilly entered the main bedroom hesitantly with tears in her eyes.
– Stuart?
– Who’s that? I got blood up my eyes, you sound like Lilly! I must certainly be pregnant, Kath!
Kath removed the water from his eyes and there was Lilly, dressed as a bus driver, fit, yet chubby, with rosey cheeks and a smile that hadn’t changed….. offering him a Melon!
– Oh my goodness Kath, oh my goodness… tell me I am not dreaming! Stuart pinched his own cheeks to check he was not dreaming, and jumped out of bed to give Lilly a very sweet and aggressive squeeze, letting the Melon drop onto the floor and roll down the stairs…..
-Listen Lilly, you owe me a truck of melons over detective charges! Sit down and let it all out….
Auburn's Creative Palpitations 